." Sure enough, I wasn't even able to <verb,,> into SQL via <application,,>, nor was I able to remote into the server via <different application,,>. The Database Administrators didn't have access at all! <color,,> tape navigated after <number,,> <unit of time,,> I was finally able to connect and start <verb ending in "ing",,> around. IT WAS A <upper case noun,,>! First of all, there was only <number,,> drive so that means that all the databases, their <type of file,,> files, <another type of file,,> files, and backups, were on the same drive as the operating system. This could easily lead to <different verb ending in "ing",,> the drive because it was coupled with some really bad auto-growth settings. One database had it's data file set to grow as a <unit of measure,,>. Auto <verb,,> was enabled on <another number,,> databases and auto close was enabled on 3 databases as well. It gets better. I was able to get the password for the SA login by simply asking the <employee title,,>. You ready for this... it was "<password>"! <exclamation,,>! Other issues I discovered included high <SQL Server wait type,,> waits, which are associated with <SQL Server performance condition,,>, they were running all the databases in <another adjective,,> recovery mode yet not doing any transaction log <plural noun,,>, and their last database backup was from <one more number,,> <another unit of time,,> ago. I ended up recording <still another number,,> different things for them to look at and <another verb,,> - this was not my mess to <still another verb,,>! In the end the vendor stated they would not <one more verb,,> any of these fixes as it would <excuse,,>. <another exclamation,,>!

/* SQL THESE-ARE-NOT-MAD LIBS No rights reserved Tim Ford http://thesqlagentman.com This makes use of templates to replace parameters with words of your choosing. Click Control+Shift+M and you'll be presented with a dialog box. Replace the values with words of your choosing, hit OK, and revel in the frivolity to relieve a bit of stress! Enjoy! Oh, and leave the comment blocks in place so you'll do no damage if you try to run this while connected to a live SQL Server, which is not recommended! - Tim Ford */ /* A Performance Tuning Nightmare The other day I was by our Help Desk to deal with a SQL Server that was running and occasionally resulting in time-outs. I was since I had not heard of this SQL instance before. "Hmm" I thought,"I bet that this was created by the ." Sure enough, I wasn't even able to <verb,,> into SQL via <application,,>, nor was I able to remote into the server via <different application,,>. The Database Administrators didn't have access at all! <color,,> tape navigated after <number,,> <unit of time,,> I was finally able to connect and start <verb ending in "ing",,> around. IT WAS A <upper case noun,,>! First of all, there was only <number,,> drive so that means that all the databases, their <type of file,,> files, <another type of file,,> files, and backups, were on the same drive as the operating system. This could easily lead to <different verb ending in "ing",,> the drive because it was coupled with some really bad auto-growth settings. One database had it's data file set to grow as a <unit of measure,,>. Auto <verb,,> was enabled on <another number,,> databases and auto close was enabled on 3 databases as well. It gets better. I was able to get the password for the SA login by simply asking the <employee title,,>. You ready for this... it was "<password>"! <exclamation,,>! Other issues I discovered included high <SQL Server wait type,,> waits, which are associated with <SQL Server performance condition,,>, they were running all the databases in <another adjective,,> recovery mode yet not doing any transaction log <plural noun,,>, and their last database backup was from <one more number,,> <another unit of time,,> ago. I ended up recording <still another number,,> different things for them to look at and <another verb,,> - this was not my mess to <still another verb,,>! In the end the vendor stated they would not <one more verb,,> any of these fixes as it would <excuse,,>. <another exclamation,,>!