If SQL Server Was a Musician

Last week I started riffing a bit after viewing a Penny Arcade strip that fired a warning shot over the bow of Courtney Love.  That strip led to three memes on Twitter and beyond: #sqlservereditions and the blog post by Brent Ozar in regards to funny little asides on Fake SQL Server Editions/Versions, and the Rockband version of our old favorite Dead Rockstars game here on my site

In trying to keep up with a post-a-day mandate I’ve set for myself this week I thought I’d take a few minutes to perhaps meld the two together.

SQL Server Geddy Lee Edition – It’s not pretty, but it’s got the chops

SQL Server Lemmy Edition – Holy Shit!  What is that thing growing out of the side of the cluster?!?

SQL Server Def Leppard Edition – Only compatible with RAID 0 +1, spell check is disabled

SQL Server Ozzy Edition – The underlying code structure of Oz/SQL makes no sense whatsoever, yet somehow it still runs.

SQL Server Amy Winehouse – Runs on Jet. (Yes, I have no clue how it would do that either.)

SQL Server Led Zeppelin Edition – Hobts everywhere you look.

SQL Server Whitesnake Edition – Like SQL Server Led Zeppelin, but less poweful, more cheesy, and no Hobts.  Comes with a real nice, but dated hood ornament.

SQL Server Tempations Edition – so highly redundant that it still operates even after all the original components have been replaced

SQL Server Blues Traveler Edition – shrinks and autogrows are handled seamlessly.

SQL Server Elvis Edition – does not scale out well.  Dumps are not graceful.

SQL Server Luther Vandross Edition – Like the Blues Traveler Edition, but you are only permitted so many log autogrow cycles before the instance dies.

SQL Server Ted Nugent Edition – Kills spids dead.  Then guts and eats them.

SQL Server Brian Wilson Edition – not mobile

SQL Server Spinal Tap Edition – gets lost in it’s own data center. Scales to 11.

SQL Server ABBA Edition – You make jokes about those using it, but secretly you’ve done some development work on it when no one is looking.

SQL Server Bob Marley Edition – The only “Green” SQL Edition released to date.

SQL Server Mariah Carey Edition –  Augmented and screechy.  What is it doing to the make the drives squeel like that?

SQL Server Milli Vanilli Edition – Is actually Microsoft Access

SQL Server Keith Richards Edition – So powerful it can be loaded on a server, dropped from a tree and still run.

SQL Server Sheryl Crow Edition – Can only be managed by DBAs with 1 testicle.

SQL Server Axl Rose Edition – Not compatible with any O/S.

SQL Server David Hasselhoff Edition – Is big in Germany

SQL Server Justin Timberlake Edition – You won’t believe what else is included in its box.


You may now return to the serious things in your life; and yes, those are 3 minutes you’ll never get back.