DATELINE CAPETOWN, SOUTH AFRICA
This morning scientists acknowledged the failure of tests to reconfigure space-time to allow for time travel for benefit of testing social engineering changes at a global level after a 12-month study. On 4/1/15 a system was brought online which allowed for injecting societal catalysts into the geopolitical arena with the ability to rollback non-beneficial effects after close, careful analysis. Spokeswoman Perry Douglas today admitted not just the existence of such a device and experiment but also the total failure and success of the experiment.
“Today we announce to the world the ability to control time with the push of a button. We also admit that there have been some dramatic issues that arose as a result of our studies over whether releasing the McDonald’s McRib ‘Sandwich’ out of season would cause any societal effects. We chose something as innocuous as a meat-like edible with wide adoption rates in the Midwestern and Southern United States as the basis of our study because we expected limited effects at a regional scale. Our calculations were to say the least – short-sighted.”
As a result the consortium of thought leaders reconvened to debate the need to reset their experiment. You should now wake to find the following events have been reset to their pre-April 2015 status:
- Donald Trump is not running for president.
- The Federal Bureau of Investigation is incapable of hacking iPhones (as they still were effective 3/31/2016 but without lying about it.)
- Jon Stewart is still hosting The Daily Show
- SQL Server on Linux? Right?
- Windows is Windows; Linux is Linux
- SQL Server in a container? “What’s a Container?” says a multitude of Database Administrators
- Selfie Sticks relegated to history
Of course you’re waking up this morning to no knowledge of these issues arising over the last 12 months and will see this as only an April Fools spoof. Feel free to keep believing that. It’s much better than the thought of a “President Trump.”