A Dear John Letter to My Software Vendors

I really think we need to talk.

We’ve been seeing each other for what seems like forever now; it’s been at least 10 years for some of us in this relationship, right?  We never promised that we would not keep secrets, but I really need to ask you what’s going on.  For years now you been promising me you’d change.  You’re still the same old SQL Server 2000-only story that you were almost nine years ago.  Sure, SQL 2000 was fine back in the days when we all thought Nickleback was the new Pearl Jam and when we were lamenting the “hanging chads” and Elian Gonzalez’s future as an American citizen.  However this is 2009!  We’ve seen towers fall in New York City, Conchords fly but Concordes crash, Bill Gates retire from Microsoft and do something that no one was able to do to Jerry Seinfeld – get him cancelled.  We’re different people now.  Well, at least I am. 

You see, I’ve found someone else, well I’ve actually moved on twice now.  I really have fallen for SQL Server 2005.  I’ve even started to embrace SQL Server 2008, even though I thought it was too soon and promised I wouldn’t.  There is so many reason why, but I hate to turn this into a hate letter because I don’t really hate you.  I just don’t understand why you’re not willing to change.  Hell, I even doubt that we’re that much different deep down.  I’d put money on the fact that you’re skills in the stack would still work here with me in SQL Server 2005 or 2008.  There are some major issues with things you’re just simply not willing to make room for.

You can keep your DTS to yourself.  Sure there was a time when you could dazzle me with your Transformation Services.  That does nothing for me anymore.  I’ve had my fingers in SQL Server Integration Services and once you go SSIS, you never go amiss (or something like that.) 

Furthermore, I find myself keeping secrets now and liking it.  I don’t think you really need to know my darkest mysteries and now I have a resource database to hide them away.  They’re so off-limits even I can’t get to them!  Don’t get me wrong, you can still do some of those old tricks with my system tables I used to allow, but you’re just tapping into my compatibility views to do so.  You don’t have to change your code to do that.  Is that why you refuse to move on from the days of Windows ME and that horrendous Limp Bizkit music you like listening to?  Don’t call them “falsies” either.  They’re just as good as the real thing.  Heck they even look real! 

Thanks to SQL Server 2008 I’ve found I like being in control even more than I thought I did.  Thanks to the Resource Governor I’m able to dish out just the right amount of love to each of your databases.  Is that what you’re afraid of?  That I may not treat each of you fairly; show favorites?  No, I’m simply concerned about keeping everyone happy.  I’m not telling anyone “No”, I’m simply saying “wait your turn, there’s enough of me to go around.”  Don’t call me a slut either.  I just like juggling a lot of databases, because I have the ability to do so.  I’m empowered, not trashy.

There, I said it.  The ultimatum is there.  Change or at least meet me half way with four year old technology in 2005.  I need, nay crave, something new(er) than you have to offer.


 PS.  I know it was you trying to get in my back door with that old ‘sa’ trick you try with all the other DBAs.  It won’t work with me.  I’m stronger than that.  But that’s another post waiting to happen.