Why should Fridays be reserved for fun and office hi-jinx? I’ve been threatening to do this for quite some time, but starting today I will be converting a legitimate piece of email or vendor documentation I’ve encountered into a fill-in-the-blank-style-rhymes-with-ad-lib form (don’t sue me you-know-who-you-are) for you to use as a stress breaker with your co-workers and friends.
Names will be ommitted to protect my job the guilty and innocent alike. As will company and product names, though one may be able to draw conclusions since bad software development seems to be prevalent in our line of work.
A little background on this first one: the vendor could not remotely support our database; sending it via secure FTP was their requirement. So, we packaged up our SQL 2005 database (that they originally set up on-site for us) to them – all 15GB of it – and they proceeded to take a couple weeks (resulting in a couple weeks of downtime) to fix the issues and send it back to us. The end result was that they also tossed in a SQL 2008 upgrade for free. Oh, did I fail to mention that they did the original installation on a SQL 2005 instance for us? Did I fail to mention at the time we did not have a host SQL 2008 instance for this database and that we ended up sending the original backup to them to re-do their work? I do believe I blogged about this transgression over the summer. Please provide back in comment form your completed SQL-LIB to this post as a way to share with the community!
Anyway, now that you have the background story, I give you…
SQL-LIBS #1: I’m Just A Sheep (Following Orders)
We ( verb ending in -ed ) your database to SQL Server 2008 while we had the opportunity. The SQL Server is now 2008; the compatibility level is SQL Server 2005(90). You are ( adjective past-tense ) even though the compatibility level is 90, you will not be able to ( verb ) the database to a SQL Server 2005 instance. We ( verb ) you secure a copy of ( name of software product ) and ( verb ) your SQL Server or ( verb ) SQL Server 2008 on new ( noun ).
All I am doing is what ( name of incompetent manager ) had asked me: ( verb ), ( verb ), and ( verb ) the already upgraded database onto the ( random acronym of choice ) server. I wasn’t aware that the ( noun ) you ( pural noun ) were ( verb ending in -ing ) was SQL Server 2005
( same name of incompetent manager ) is not here right now, but should be back ( time in the future ), I think.
I am ( any emotion other than “sorry” ) for the terrible ( noun ), and the best I can ( verb ) to do is to have the ( noun ) ( verb ending in -ed )on a SQL Server 2005 instance and that’ll take some time – a (datepart parameter from datepart() function) or thereabouts. So I’ll proceed with that, and I’ll have ( same name of incompetent manager ) ( verb ) with you ASAP.
If there is anything else I can ( verb ), please let me know.
(name of bag boy at favorite grocery store).
Grammatical errors were directly from the original email. This is a work of parody; fiction perhaps if it alleviates me from any threats of litigation. Offer void in Rhode Island and The District of Columbia. Must be 18 to enter. I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Really, are you still reading this? I really call this dedication and I'm deeply humbled by your persistence. It's as though you expect me to state something of extreme value here. Perhaps I'll inform you of where I burried that clown that disappeared 4 years ago from rural Alabama? Maybe I will divulge the secrets of hair regeneration (sorry Colin, not gonna happen) or perhaps how to improve your I.Q. while you sleep. That won't happen either, sorry Charlie Gordon, you too Algernon. Wow, look at that a literary reference in this blog. Whoda-thunk? Well, this is getting quite tedious. Please stop reading.
Caught you still reading. I told you nothing of worth would be divulged here. By the way, if you do want to know where that clown is buried then shoot me an email at this blog. Not that I know anything about how it happened. So what if I have a thing for big red... shoes. Kinks are kinks. Everyone is normal until you get to know them, right?